August 29, 2007

"Shadow of the Moon" revisions

TP is the TokyoPop translation. EW is my translation.

Chapter 44

1. TP: Leaving Goryou behind, she turned at first intersection she reached, choosing a new road to avoid going back to where she had spent the previous night.

      EW: That morning, the road they had started their journey on and the road to Goryou had parted ways.

My version is rather clumsy and not entirely accurate: "Some ways from Goryou she turned at an intersection, leaving behind both the road they had started their journey on that morning, and the road to Goryou."

2. TP: She felt empty inside and shivered with a chill that had nothing to do with the cooling night air.

      EW: She felt a hole open up in her soul.

      LIT: "She felt a deep hole open inside her chest/breast."

3. TP: He saved your life. And you would abandon him?
      Who says he saved my life? I would have lived. I could've made it.

      EW: You're stabbing your Good Samaritan in the back.
      He didn't necessarily help me because he's good.

      LIT: You are casting aside the person to whom your owe your life.
      He isn't necessarily your benefactor.

In this case, a "person to whom one owes one's life" and "benefactor" share the same root kanji. I liked the parallelism of "Good Samaritan" and "good."

4. TP: A beautiful sentiment, but that doesn't cut it Over Here. Here, if you draw the short straw, you lose. You die. I'm not going to lose.
      It's not just a sentiment. It's called humanity.
      Humanity. Had she even forgotten what it meant to be human?
      You would criticize the way I choose to live my life, even now? After all I've been through?
      Yes. Because of all you've been through.

      "Go back. Kill the rat!"

      EW: Don't start glossing over reality with empty gestures, not in this country. When your number's up, that's it. Lights out.
      It's not an empty gesture. No, it's what people naturally do of their own accord. How could she forget that?
      "Even now, at this late hour, you're going on about your principles, little girl?"
      Even now, little girl. Even now!
      "Yes, yes. Do go back and finish him off."

The expression "even now" is repeated three times. The monkey definitely addresses Youko directly (LIT): "Even now you are talking about moral principles?"

5. TP: "You were going to kill him, weren't you, dearie? And here you're still thinking about morality, after all you've been through?" The monkey cackled, a joyous gleam in its eyes. "Oh, you've grown, you've grown. Don't worry. You'll be able to do it next time."
      The cackling monkey ignored her outburst, his high voice echoing mercilessly in Yoko's ears.
      "I'm going back," she declared.

      EW: "Indeed, that's what you plan to do, no? And look at you, little girl, preaching yourself up a regular old sermon and all. You! Now!"
      The monkey broke into gales of mad laughter.
      "No . . . it isn't."
      "Oh, yes, it is. That is exactly what you were thinking."
      "I would never do something like that!"
      "Yes, you would."
      "I wouldn't have. I couldn't!"
      The monkey cackled gaily. "Is that because the thought of murder frightens you, or because you wanted to murder him, but just couldn't screw up the courage?" The monkey screeched, looking at her cheerfully. "Don't you trust me? That's okay. You'll do it next time."
      The blue monkey laughed on, ignoring her, the shrill sound remorselessly stabbing at her ears.
      "I'm going back."

In this case, TokyoPop has cut much of this exchange, odd considering the amount of padding they usually add.

6. TP: No, I'm glad I didn't kill him.
      She was glad she hadn't acted in haste or rage. She was glad beyond anything else that she hadn't done it.

      EW: Better not to kill. Better not to act rashly, better to resist temptation, better not to go off half-cocked.

This paragraph begins with a line of dialogue, and should be in the past tense: "I'm glad I didn't kill him." She was glad she hadn't acted rashly, hadn't succumbed to temptation, hadn't put her thoughts into action.

7. TP: Why am I unable to trust?
      She wasn't being asked to go on blind faith. There could be levels of trust. She should have been able to give the rat some credit, if no one else. She owed him her life.

      EW: Why couldn't she trust people anymore? It wasn't because she was afraid of being taken in. Even if she was, she should have been able to trust him.

The additions are not in the original.

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