September 05, 2007

"Shadow of the Moon" revisions

TP is the TokyoPop translation. EW is my translation.

Chapter 45

1. TP: "See, Kuyo? She's fine. There was nothing to worry about."

      EW: "You see, Gyokuyou, she's fine."

What, too many syllables in "Gyokuyou"?

2. TP: "No, i'm fine now." Yoko lifted one sleeve to show the scar where one of the demon-dog's claws had slashed her.

      EW: "No. It's healed up fine." She showed her the fading scar in her hand.

The addition is not in the original.

3. TP: Yoko nodded. "My friend. A rat beastling."

      EW: Youko nodded.

The addition is not in the original. I don't like "beastling" either.

4. TP: Then she hurried back to the gates, leaving Yoko to wonder whether the woman knew what had happened the other day, and who Yoko really was.

      EW: She reported that she hadn't found anybody called Rakushun among the living or the dead and then hurried back to the city. She gave no indication of whether she understood anything more of the quandary Youko was in.

The TokyoPop version is wordier but perhaps more accurate. The noun in question should be translated "circumstances" rather than "quandary": "She gave no indication of whether or not she understood [the details of] Youko's [actual] circumstances."

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