October 16, 2007

"Shadow of the Moon" revisions

TP is the TokyoPop translation. EW is my translation.

Chapter 48

1. TP: Like Agan, the town was built on a slope, leading up to a mountain that rose on the far side of the town walls.

      EW: The city wound leisurely up the side of the facing mountains.

The addition is not in the original.

2. TP: The well-kept harbor here made the one in Agan look like a hovel. The piers were bustling with activity. A small forest of ships' masts crowded the water. Here and there, billowing sail of white and light brown made a pleasant contrast with the blue of the sea.

      EW: The harbor was developed to a degree to which Agan could not compare. The number of ships lying at anchor far outstripped those at Agan. The harbor was alive and bustling. The masts stood together like trees. The furled white and pale red sails accented the gorgeous panorama.

The word here translates as "light reddish-brown." Maybe "faded ruddy brown" would be better.

3. TP: Off the boat, Yoko found herself in the midst of a beehive of activity. Busy-looking men swarmed the docks. Children sped to and fro, running errands. The cries of food vendors lifted above the noise of the crowd, adding a rhythm to the cheerful cacophony. It was like a giant festival. [1]
      Yoko's first thought upon looking at the folk in the crowd was that this would be a wonderful place to live. It was energizing to see the faces of the people so fresh and alive, and she guessed that hers must look the same way.
      She was walking along the pier, absorbed in the bustle of this new land, [2] when she heard a very familiar voice call out behind her. "Yoko?"
      She jumped and whirled around to see a familiar figure, short and sleek in grayish brown fur.

      EW: Descending from the ship, Youko looked out over the throngs. This was a city that left its inhabitants in good spirits. The faces of the people streaming by were full of vitality and life, and her own face was likely the same. Down on the dock, Youko found herself in the midst of bedlam. Men working madly, children running around doing heavens knows what, the voices of people and peddlers, thrumming together in a frenzied rhythm.
      She was standing there on the pier when the voice called out to her.
      Her head snapped around at the sound of a voice she could not have possibly expected.

The author uses "decend from" (or "get off of") twice, first in the future tense and then in the progressive tense. The first sentence literally translates: "When Youko will get off the ship, she found herself in the midst of a beehive of activity." Then: "Getting off the ship, Youko looked out over the throngs."

The cumbersome future perfect tense would be required to make this construction grammatical in English. TokyoPop deals with the problem by eliminating the verb and starting with Youko already on the dock. I decided to flip the sentences and use only the progressive. I think either approach is acceptable.

3.1. The addition is not in the original.
3.2. LIT: "Youko having stepped onto the pier, a voice called out to her."

4. TP: Rakushun nodded, then tugged on Yoko's hand. "I waited a while in Agan, but since you didn't show up, I thought maybe you had gone over before me. But then when I got here, I couldn't find you on this side either. So I've been coming to the shore whenever the boats come in. I was just about to give up, to tell the truth," the rat admitted, smiling up at Yoko.

      EW: Rakushun nodded. He tugged on Youko's hand. She was still frozen with surprise.
      "I waited for a while at Agan. When you didn't turn up, I thought maybe you'd gone on ahead of me. But there was neither hide nor hair of you here. So I decided that every time a ship came into port, I'd come down and look for you. I figured you might have gotten delayed, but made it through just the same."
      The rat looked up at Youko and smiled.

The verb here is "delayed," followed by "somehow work it out."

5. TP: "It wasn't easy, leaving you there like that."
      "I'd hope not!"

      "Yes. I'll admit it, I was scared to travel with another person. I-I couldn't trust anyone. I thought everyone was my enemy."

      EW: "It's not that I abandoned you because I had no choice."
      "Really. The idea of traveling with another person gave me the willies. I didn't think I could trust anybody. I thought I was surrounded by no one but my enemies. That's why."

The TokyoPop version dulls the weight of Youko's confession. The rest of the paragraph arises from Youko's reaction to what she perceives as Rakushun's nonchalance over her confessed betrayal of him. A better translation of the first sentence might be: "It's not like I abandoned you because I had to."

6. TP: "Oh, you might be a little slow in the head, but I don't hate you for that, Yoko," Rakushun said with a smile. [1]
      "I even thought I should go back and finish you off. To keep you from talking." [2]
      Rakushun pulled away his paw [3] and stopped walking. "Er, Yoko "
      She swallowed. "Yes?"

      EW: "I might think you a fool for doing so, but, no, I don't have any particular reason to hate you."
      "I even thought of going back and killing you."
      Rakushun started to walk off, still holding her hand. He stopped in his tracks. "You know, Youko . . . . "

6.1. The addition is not in the original.
6.2. The addition is not in the original.
6.3. In this context, the verb means "to lead someone by the hand."

7. TP: Yoko nodded slowly. "Rakushun, you're really " [1]
      Rakushun grinned. "Don't mention it."
      "No. I was so quick to give up. I thought I had no friends."
      "Yoko." A small paw tugged on Yoko's arm.
      "It's just, I'm so ashamed " [2]
      "You shouldn't be."

      EW: Youko humbly bowed her head. "Rakushun, I don't deserve your friendship."
      "Hey, hey, what's this all of a sudden?" [3]
      "It's just that I get myself into these snits and convince myself that I have no friends in this world."
      "Youko." Rakushun tugged on her arm with his small hand.
      "I am so totally messed up."
      "No, you're not."

7.1. I'm padding here. Literally, all Youko says is, "Rakushun--you're sugoi--" Which might be better translated as, "Rakushun, you're--awesome!"
7.2. The expression here literally means "to have not arrived" or "incomplete," which is generally translated as "incompetent" or "careless" (as in "short a full deck").
7.3. Pretty much a literal translation.

8. TP: "Wow thanks." Yoko said. [1]
      Until that moment this world had felt like a cage to her; but suddenly, she thought she could hear a rattling of the bars. [2] The door was opening.

      EW: "Rakushun, you're unbelievable."
      For whatever reason, one by one, doors now seemed to be opening up to her.

8.1. Here Youko uses sugoi again.
8.2. The additions are not in the original.

The online and offline browser versions have been updated.

Labels: ,