April 14, 2008

"Shadow of the Moon" revisions

Chapter 59 / 7-8

TP is the TokyoPop translation. EW is my translation.

1. TP: "Yes," replied Yoko. She wondered where his lecture would lead, but for now it seemed harmless enough to agree.

EW: "Yes."

The addition is not in the original.

2. TP: "Over There, you have presidents and prime ministers. Here, we appoint a king to rule.

EW: "This palace is where the king resides . . . .

The addition is not in the original. Enki is the one up on current affairs in Japan, and even the collective use of "we" is rather misleading.

3. TP: "I am not speaking to illustrate my own virtues--do not jump to conclusions.

EW: "That is beside the point.

Better: "I wouldn't go that far. Let's not get ahead of ourselves."

4. TP: "One way might be this 'social democracy' you've talked about," [1] Enki put in, much to Yoko's surprise. [2] "The people choose their own king, and if they don't like him, they make him quit."
      "Indeed," said the Ever-King. Then, turning to Yoko he added, "My minister has a great interest in the affairs of Over There, you see. [3] However, we have a different way of doing things Here.

EW: There's always democracy," Enki interjected. "The people choose a king to their own liking. And when he becomes not to their liking, they choose somebody else."
      "Well, that's one way," the En responded. "But here it is done another

4.1. The term translates directly as "democracy." The author uses kana instead of kanji, additionally suggesting that the world is a foreign import. LIT: "There's this thing called 'democracy.'"
4.2. The addition is not in the original.
4.3. The addition is not in the original.

5. TP: . . . Elegant, yes?"
      "I suppose," said Yoko, uncertainly. [1]
      The Ever-King nodded, seeming unperturbed by Yoko's lack of enthusiasm. [2]

EW: . . . Do you think that would work?"
      "Yeah, I suppose that would work."
      As if in agreement, the En nodded once.

5.1. There are ellipses in the original: "That . . . I suppose so." So the adverb "uncertainly" could be read in this context.
5.2. This is fairly vague expression: "En nodded, if only for the sake of nodding."

6. TP: Yoko nodded, her mind racing.

EW: Youko's head slumped.

The verb here is typically translated "to cast eyes downward," or "to hang one's head." If I were to add anything, it would probably be something like:

      Youko's head slumped. Oh, crap.

7. TP: If I did all as Enki suggested, the kingdom would surely falter."
      "Really?" asked Yoko, frowning.

EW: If I adhered to every word Enki spoke, the kingdom would fall to pieces."
      "Yeah . . . I suppose."

My translation is pretty literal.

8. TP: "So, once he chooses you, you're free to do as you will--and he is not?"

EW: "So, you're saying that after you're chosen by the kirin, you can pretty much do what you want?"

The addition is not in the original.

9. TP: Keiki protected her [1] as she grew more extreme. When she began killing those women who remained in the kingdom, Keiki fell ill."
      "What happened then?" asked Yoko, barely breathing. [2]

EW: And when Keiki protected them, she tried to have those who remained killed. At that point, Keiki fell ill."
      "And . . . ?"

9.1. TokyoPop is correct: "With Keiki covering for her, she only grew more extreme, and tried to have those who remained killed."
9.2. The addition is not in the original.

10. TP: "What happened to her then? To the Prophet, I mean."
      "To become king is to die and be reborn as a god. When one has ceased to be king, that one may no longer live."
      So, the former king of Kei died--she killed herself--to save Keiki.

EW: "What happened to her?"
      "That royal part of her died, and what made her a god was reversed. No longer a monarch, she could no longer continue to live."
      And so the Empress Jokaku of the Kingdom of Kei had passed away.

TokyoPop is correct: ""Becoming a king or empress means dying as a human and being reborn as a god. When you are no longer a monarch, you cannot continue to live."

11. TP: . . . There is only one way to bring them succor." [1]
      "The true king must sit upon the throne?" [2]
      "Precisely." [3]
      Yoko shook her head. "I can't do this."
      "I think you can. I can see it in your eyes. You have the look of a king."
      "I don't believe you."

EW: There is no way of saving them." [1]
      "So why didn't he go and choose the right king as soon as possible?" [2]
      "That is what he has done." [3]
      Youko shook her head. "There's just no way."
      "Why is that? I believe that you possess all the necessary kingly attributes."
      "You're kidding."

11.1. Should be: "There is no other way of saving them."
11.2. Should be : "You mean, placing a righteous king on the throne as soon as possible?"
11.3. TokyoPop is correct.
11.4. LIT: "You are equipped with a kingly spirit." Both versions work.

12. TP: . . . I ask you to save your kingdom. Please."

EW: . . . I am pleading with you to help save my kingdom, and yours."

I wasn't sure about the antecedent to the pronoun here, which is why I fudged and threw in "and yours." Upon further examination, it should be "your kingdom."

13. TP: Indeed, a short time ago I received a strongly worded request from the Naze-King to deliver to him any kaikyaku who may have come from his land into mine.

EW: In fact, I have received from Kou a strongly-worded petition seeking the extradition of a kaikyaku who fled to En.

LIT: "I received a strongly-worded request from the Royal Kou to hand over kaikyaku fleeing from Kou to En." I prefer "extradition," though.

14. TP: The Ever-King turned his gaze to Yoko. His point was clear.

EW: There was much more in the expression on his face that was left unsaid.

Better: "His gaze fell on her. There was much more in his eyes that was left unsaid."

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